When Someone Who Harmed You or Others Dies: How to Navigate Complex Grief with Care
If you are or have ever experienced a loss of a person who caused harm (abusive parent, a coercive leader, a former partner who violated your trust, etc.) your feelings may be complicated, even contradictory. Relief and sadness can sit side-by-side. Anger can flare next to tenderness. This is grief, too. And you deserve care while you move through it.
Why this kind of grief feels different
Relief (even happiness) You might feel lighter, safer, or even happy that suffering or control has ended. That doesn’t make you cruel; it means your nervous system is registering change. Research shows authentic positive emotions can naturally arise during bereavement and are linked with healthier adjustment over time.
Ambivalent & ambiguous loss. Mixed emotions are common when the relationship was unsafe or inconsistent. Researchers describe ambiguous loss as loss without clear closure, which often intensifies confusion and “both/and” feelings. You can grieve what happened and what never could.
Disenfranchised grief. When the person who died is widely admired, or when your relationship was hidden, stigmatized, or painful, others may minimize your grief. That’s called disenfranchised grief: grief that society doesn’t recognize or validate. Naming it can be liberating.
If harm or abuse was part of the story, prioritize safety, choice, and control. A trauma-informed approach centers: safety; trust and transparency; collaboration; empowerment/voice/choice; peer support; and cultural-historical humility. You can use these as guidance when making decisions about contact, rituals, and conversation.
It is also important to note that you are not required to mourn someone who never saw, or refused to see, your humanity. Expecting you to feel deep sadness for someone who attempted to harm you or your community only continues to perpetuate the harm this individual caused in the first place. Choosing not to grieve someone who consistently harmed you is not the same as celebrating their passing; neither does it mean you condone harm towards them or their continued family/supporters.
When the person who died was a leader who caused harm
Grieving a harmful leader can feel disorienting. You may be mourning lost time, community, and identity while others publicly praise the person. That mix often involves betrayal trauma (harm by someone with power over you) and institutional betrayal (when an organization protected the leader or minimized reports). Putting names to these dynamics can make your reactions feel less “strange” and more understandable. This kind of grief can feel really loaded.
Power + dependence complicate grief. When the person who harmed you also decided your roles, access to care, or belonging, your body may hold both fear and loyalty. Survival may have required staying attached to a harmful authority. The loss of that kind of attachment is actually more complicated than most people realize.
Institutions may sanitize the story. After a leader dies, organizations sometimes spotlight “legacy” and downplay harm, an example of institutional betrayal. Expect mixed messages, sudden revisions of history, or pressure to “move on.”
Watch for DARVO from loyalists. Some followers or PR reps may Deny harm, Attack critics, and Reverse Victim and Offender (DARVO).
If you held a role under that leader, know that it is common to feel grief tangled with guilt, shame, or moral injury if you recruited others, taught harmful ideas, or stayed silent to keep your place. Two things can be true: you were shaped by coercive control and you can take accountability now (naming harm, making amends, supporting survivor-led repair). Reading on coercive control can help you understand how domination systems erode autonomy and isolate people.
Decisions you may face
1) Whether to attend the funeral or memorial
There is no “right” choice. You can go, skip it, arrive late, leave early, or hold your own ritual another day.
If you’re going: “I’m attending briefly. I won’t be staying for the reception.”
If you’re not going: “I’m choosing a private way to say goodbye that’s healthier for me.”
Plan an exit: Drive yourself. Sit near an aisle. Give a friend the “text me an out” signal.
If traditional rituals do not fit, you can still grieve meaningfully. A small, personal ritual (lighting a candle, placing an object, walking a favorite trail) is valid. It is also valid to not hold a ritual if that is safer for your nervous system.
2) What to say (or not to say) to family
Conflict may erupt or narratives may attempt to erase your reality of harm. You are allowed to protect your bandwidth, communicate in writing (if it feels safer), step back from group threads, and loop in neutral supports.
3) What to post online
If the individual’s passing dominates your feeds (and local news), or there are family expectations for you to say/ act a certain way, know that you do not have to make a public statement (unless you want to).
If abuse or coercion was involved
Your safety comes first. If attending an event risks contact with people who have minimized or enabled harm, it is okay to decline or set strict limits.
Forgiveness is not required. Some people find it meaningful; others don’t. There is no moral timeline.
Resources for immediate support:
For those healing after high-demand religions or cultic groups
Grieving a harmful leader or community often includes mourning community, identity, time, and imagined futures. You can design secular or values-consistent rituals (journaling, art, nature-based practices, mutual-aid) that honor your story.
Resources:
Kenneth J. Doka – Disenfranchised Grief (Book)
Klass, Silverman & Nickman (Eds.) – Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief (Book)
Disclaimer:
⚠️ The content on this blog is intended for informational and educational purposes ONLY and should NOT be considered a substitute for personal professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading these posts does not establish a therapeutic relationship.
If you are currently in crisis, experiencing thoughts of harming yourself or others, or are in need of immediate support, please call 911 or contact a crisis line such as the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 (U.S.) or access your local emergency services.
These blog posts are written to explore topics like trauma, religious deconstruction, cults, identity development, and mental wellness in a thoughtful and compassionate way. They may (or may not) resonate deeply, especially for those healing from complex trauma, but they are NOT meant to replace individualized therapy or medical care.
