Delayed Adolescence: Growing Up Late After Leaving a Cult or High-Demand Religion
Many adults who leave cults or high-demand religions find themselves facing emotions, decisions, and identity work that seem more typical of teenagers than 30-somethings. It is not immaturity, it is actually something called, delayed adolescence. And is more common than people realize.
What Is Delayed Adolescence?
Delayed adolescence refers to the postponed development of typical teenage identity tasks, such as independence, self-expression, autonomy, sexual exploration, and questioning authority. In cults and high-demand religions, these natural developmental stages are often discouraged, shamed, or outright forbidden. As a result, former members may enter adulthood with few opportunities to explore who they really are.
Instead of a gradual process of growing into adulthood, many were forced into early adult roles (like parenting, missionary work, or marriage) while being emotionally and psychologically underdeveloped. Others were infantilized. Meaning they were taught to rely on church leadership for every decision, or told they could not trust their own thoughts or feelings.
Signs of Delayed Adolescence After Leaving
Once someone leaves a high-demand system, the floodgates open. Without the pressure to conform, it is common to experience:
A strong desire to “make up for lost time”
Reckoning with anger toward authority figures
Confusion around identity, values, or purpose
New interest in dating, fashion, or hobbies they were previously denied
Grief over a lost or stolen youth
Impulsivity, risk-taking, or self-exploration that mirrors teenage behavior
This is not regression, it’s recovery. You are not “behind” in life. You are only now allowed to grow up on your own terms.
Why It Happens in Cults and High-Demand Religions
High-demand religions often:
Limit access to secular education or media
Emphasize obedience over autonomy
Promote early marriage and parenthood
Restrict critical thinking and emotional expression
Frame “worldly” exploration as sinful or dangerous
This kind of environment interrupts normal adolescent development. Instead of experimenting with beliefs and boundaries, members are taught to suppress questions, conform to rigid gender roles, and defer to authority. As a result, when they leave, they have to re-learn what it means to be their own person.
What You Can Do on Your Own
While therapy is incredibly helpful, you don’t have to wait for a therapist to begin your healing. Many people start the work of delayed adolescence on their own, in small but meaningful ways:
1. Let Yourself Play
Give yourself permission to experiment. Try new hobbies, dye your hair, stay up late, explore your style, or create art. Anything that connects you to the freedom of curiosity. Many confuse this phase, labeling it frivolous; however, it is part of healing developmental freeze.
2. Name and Challenge Internalized Voices
If you notice thoughts like “That’s too selfish” or “I should know better,” pause. Ask: Whose voice is that? Is this a belief that actually serves you now, or one rooted in fear, shame, or control?
3. Connect with Others on a Similar Journey
There is deep power in being witnessed by people who get it. Join online communities, read memoirs of former members, or attend support groups. Knowing you are not the only one who feels behind or lost can help reduce shame.
4. Explore Media You Missed
A lot of former members were not allowed to engage with certain books, music, or TV shows. Watching coming-of-age movies or reading young adult novels can help spark feelings and reflections that were skipped or suppressed in earlier years.
5. Set Small, Safe Boundaries
Part of adolescence is learning to say no. Practice tuning into your “no” and setting boundaries, even if they feel awkward at first. Your nervous system might need time to trust that it is safe to assert yourself.
6. Keep a Journal of Self-Discovery
Write down what you are learning about yourself, what you like, what you don’t, what you are curious about. Journaling can help externalize confusing emotions and track your growth over time.
Therapy Can Help
Therapy can be a powerful companion on this journey. A trauma-informed therapist familiar with religious trauma and cult recovery can help you:
Grieve the time and freedom you were not allowed
Reconnect with your body and emotions
Explore values outside of black-and-white frameworks
Practice self-compassion as you experiment and evolve
Develop healthy boundaries and interpersonal skills
Modalities like Internal Family Systems (IFS), Narrative Therapy, and Somatic Therapies are especially helpful in working through the internalized voices of control and shame.
If you are feeling lost, late, or “too old” to be figuring this stuff out, please know your developmental timeline is valid. Healing is not linear, and reclaiming your adolescence is not childish. You didn’t get a choice before, but you do now.
Reach out to learn more about working with me.
Sources & Suggested Reading:
Lalich, J. (2006). Bounded Choice: True Believers and Charismatic Cults.
Winell, M. (2006). Leaving the Fold: A Guide for Former Fundamentalists and Others Leaving Their Religion.
Erikson, E.H. (1968). Identity: Youth and Crisis.
Disclaimer:
⚠️ The content on this blog is intended for informational and educational purposes ONLY and should NOT be considered a substitute for personal professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading these posts does not establish a therapeutic relationship.
If you are currently in crisis, experiencing thoughts of harming yourself or others, or are in need of immediate support, please call 911 or contact a crisis line such as the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 (U.S.) or access your local emergency services.
These blog posts are written to explore topics like trauma, religious deconstruction, cults, identity development, and mental wellness in a thoughtful and compassionate way. They may (or may not) resonate deeply, especially for those healing from complex trauma, but they are NOT meant to replace individualized therapy or medical care.
