When Religion Replaces Parenting: Attachment Wounds Beneath Spiritual Obedience
For many individuals raised in high-demand religious environments, “God is your parent” was more than a metaphor. It was the family system. Religion was the structure through which attachment needs were channeled, controlled, and often unmet. In homes where emotional attunement was lacking, religion frequently stepped in as the primary authority figure, and the result is often spiritual obedience at the expense of healthy development.
When Emotional Needs Are Outsourced to God
In an ideal world, parents are our first safe haven. They co-regulate us when we’re scared, teach us how to tolerate distress, and model secure connection. But when caregivers are emotionally unavailable, narcissistic, enmeshed with religious ideology, or overwhelmed themselves, children are often taught to “take it to God” instead of receiving nurturing care.
This can sound like:
“God sees your pain. Pray to him.” (in response to asking for help)
“If you’re struggling, you need more faith.”
“Your relationship with God should be stronger than with any human.”
When these messages replace core human attachment needs (empathy, comfort, protection, and repair) they leave children feeling unseen and unworthy. A child does not need theological solutions to overwhelming feelings, they need eye contact, safety, and someone who can hold their big feelings without fear, and help them learn to navigate their emotions.
Religious Systems as Surrogate Attachment Figures
Some religious environments operate less like communities and more like surrogate parents; often rigid, punitive ones. Religious leaders or the church itself may step in as the authority figure, offering:
Clear roles and expectations (obedience, submission, purity)
Conditional acceptance (“God loves you if…”)
Control over behavior rather than attunement to emotional needs
This mirrors what happens in insecure attachment dynamics: love becomes performance-based, connection feels unsafe, and shame is used to maintain compliance.
When a child learns that their belonging depends on obedience (to parents or to God) they often internalize the belief that their worth is conditional. This can set the stage for a lifetime of anxiety, people-pleasing, or deep spiritual confusion.
The Attachment Wounds of Spiritually Substituted Parenting
When religion replaces parenting, the child’s nervous system often adapts in predictable ways. Some of the long-term effects include:
Chronic guilt or shame for needing anything other than spiritual discipline
Fear of punishment or abandonment from both God and people
Difficulty with self-trust or making independent decisions
Overfunctioning in relationships to avoid rejection
A need to “earn” love through perfection or purity
For many, these dynamics do not disappear just because they have deconstructed their faith. The attachment wounds often remain, showing up in adult relationships, work patterns, and how one relates to their own body, emotions, and needs.
Reclaiming Relationships
If you resonate with this, you are not broken. You were trying to survive a system that made you choose spiritual compliance over emotional safety. The good news is that healing from these wounds is possible, and it often begins by recognizing where religion was used as a coping strategy, rather than as a relational tool.
Healing might look like:
Learning to sit with discomfort without moralizing it
Reclaiming your needs as valid, not selfish
Building secure relationships rooted in mutual respect and care
Redefining spirituality outside of fear or obligation
Working with a therapist to rebuild a secure internal attachment system
If religion was your parent, therapy can help you become the caregiver you never had, one who welcomes the full range of your humanity without shame, silence, or spiritual bypassing.
Reach out to start therapy or to learn more.
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Disclaimer:
⚠️ The content on this blog is intended for informational and educational purposes ONLY and should NOT be considered a substitute for personal professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading these posts does not establish a therapeutic relationship.
If you are currently in crisis, experiencing thoughts of harming yourself or others, or are in need of immediate support, please call 911 or contact a crisis line such as the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 (U.S.) or access your local emergency services.
These blog posts are written to explore topics like trauma, religious deconstruction, cults, identity development, and mental wellness in a thoughtful and compassionate way. They may (or may not) resonate deeply, especially for those healing from complex trauma, but they are NOT meant to replace individualized therapy or medical care.
