Why Oppressive Systems Love Perfectionism
Perfectionism is one of those traits that often gets praised. You may have heard phrases like:
“Just try harder.”
“Practice makes perfect.”
“Be the best version of yourself.”
At first glance, these sayings seem harmless, maybe even motivational. But perfectionism isn’t about excellence or healthy striving. It ia about chasing impossible standards and living under constant pressure. Perfectionism leaves people feeling exhausted, ashamed, and never “enough.”
What many people don’t realize is that perfectionism is not just an individual struggle. Oppressive systems (including high-demand religions, cults, toxic workplaces, and rigid cultural structures) rely on perfectionism as a tool of control. When perfectionism becomes the air you breathe, it shapes your identity, your worth, and your sense of safety.
Perfectionism in Oppressive Systems
Perfectionism in high-demand groups doesn’t usually look like neat handwriting or color-coded planners. Instead, it shows up as rigid standards about what it means to be “good,” “faithful,” “pure,” or “acceptable.” These standards are rarely achievable, and they often change depending on the context, making success impossible. Some common ways perfectionism manifests in oppressive systems:
Religious rules: Members may feel pressure to obey every teaching without question, confess even small doubts, and appear spiritually flawless.
Gender expectations: Men may be required to project dominance and stoicism, while women are expected to be submissive, modest, and self-sacrificing.
Body standards: People are told to discipline or shrink their bodies to fit a narrow ideal, often justified through moral or spiritual language.
Community loyalty: Constant pressure to show devotion through volunteering, service, or unquestioning loyalty, leaving little space for personal needs or boundaries.
Living in these environments can be exhausting. No matter how much effort you put in, the standard moves just out of reach.
Why Oppressive Systems Rely on Perfectionism
Oppressive systems thrive when their members are too busy striving, doubting themselves, or feeling inadequate to notice the system itself is harmful. Perfectionism serves this purpose in several ways:
It creates shame. Shame is a powerful silencer. When people feel unworthy or broken, they are less likely to challenge authority.
It discourages questioning. If you are constantly blaming yourself for not being “good enough,” you have little energy to ask hard questions about the rules or leaders.
It promotes conformity. By tying worth to performance, perfectionism ensures people work harder to align with group norms.
It prevents rest. Exhaustion keeps people compliant. If you are drained from trying to meet impossible standards, you are less likely to resist or seek alternatives.
Think of it like playing a game where the rules keep changing, but the referee always tells you, “You should’ve tried harder.”
The Lingering Impact: Perfectionism After Leaving
Even after leaving a high-demand group or oppressive system, perfectionism often lingers, the inner critic that never rests, and perfectionism becomes internalized. It can show up in everyday life in ways that may not immediately seem connected to your past. For example:
Work or school: Believing that a single mistake means total failure or humiliation.
Relationships: Feeling like you must always anticipate and meet others’ needs perfectly to avoid rejection.
Body image: Obsessing over dieting, exercise, or appearance in order to feel “worthy” of respect or belonging.
Personal growth: Treating healing itself like another test you must “ace,” rather than a process of self-discovery.
Daily living: Avoiding decisions or procrastinating because the fear of getting it “wrong” feels overwhelming.
This can make recovery especially challenging. Survivors of oppressive systems often expect themselves to heal perfectly, which only reinforces the very patterns they are trying to escape.
Everyday Signs You Might Still Be Caught in Perfectionism
If you are wondering whether perfectionism is still shaping your life, here are a few reflection questions:
Do you feel anxious or guilty when you rest or take time for yourself?
Do you constantly compare yourself to others, always coming up short?
Do you replay mistakes in your head for days, weeks, or even years?
Do you avoid starting projects unless you’re sure you can do them flawlessly?
Do you feel like love or acceptance must be earned rather than given freely?
If some of these resonate, you are not broken, you are human. These patterns often develop as survival strategies in controlling environments. Recognizing them is the first step toward loosening their grip.
Healing from Perfectionism
Working on perfectionism is less about “fixing” yourself and more about reclaiming freedom, self-compassion, and authenticity.
1. Identify Whose Rules You Are Following
Pause and ask: Who taught me this rule? Do I actually believe it, or was it enforced by someone else’s authority? Naming where these standards came from helps you separate your values from the system’s control.
2. Practice “Good Enough”
Challenge yourself to aim for 80% instead of 100%. Whether it is a work assignment, a meal you cook, or how you show up for a friend, remind yourself: Good enough is still good.
3. Reframe Mistakes
Instead of seeing mistakes as proof of failure, view them as signs of learning. Try asking: What does this teach me? rather than What’s wrong with me?
4. Allow Rest Without Guilt
Rest is resistance. Rest is healing. Remember: oppressive systems benefit from your exhaustion. Reclaiming rest as a right, not a reward, is an act of self-liberation.
5. Celebrate Small Progress
Every time you notice perfectionism’s voice and choose differently, even in a tiny way, that is growth. Healing doesn’t come from dramatic leaps, but from small, steady steps.
Moving Toward Authenticity
Healing from perfectionism is like learning to drive your own car after years of being a passenger. At first, it feels clumsy and overwhelming. But with time, you realize you can steer toward the life you want, not the one dictated by fear and impossible standards.
Recovering from oppressive systems means rewriting the story: your worth is not conditional. You do not have to be flawless to be loved, respected, or safe. Perfectionism may have served survival once, but it does not serve your healing.
Reach out to start therapy or to learn more.
Disclaimer:
⚠️ The content on this blog is intended for informational and educational purposes ONLY and should NOT be considered a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading these posts does not establish a therapeutic relationship.
If you are currently in crisis, experiencing thoughts of harming yourself or others, or are in need of immediate support, please call 911 or contact a crisis line such as the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 (U.S.) or access your local emergency services.
These blog posts are written to explore topics like trauma, religious deconstruction, cults, identity development, and mental wellness in a thoughtful and compassionate way. They may (or may not) resonate deeply, especially for those healing from complex trauma, but they are NOT meant to replace individualized therapy or medical care.
