Infantilization in High-Demand Groups: How Control Disguises Itself as Care
In many high-demand religious groups, followers are encouraged to trust authority, submit to leadership, and follow prescribed rules without question. But behind the language of "obedience" and "faithfulness" lies a covert form of control: infantilization.
What is Infantilization?
Infantilization is when adults are treated as if they are children incapable of making their own choices, understanding complex ideas, or handling autonomy responsibly. In high-demand religions or cultic systems, this often shows up as:
Leaders making decisions on behalf of others (who to date, where to live, what to study)
Over-regulation of behavior (dress codes, sexual conduct, even facial expressions)
Emphasis on childlike obedience and purity
Discouraging critical thinking or dissent as “rebellion” or “pride”
Infantilization keeps people dependent. It stunts development, restricts agency, and makes it harder to trust yourself, especially when breaking away.
How Does Infantilization Show Up In These Systems?
Women and AFAB individuals: Taught to be submissive, sheltered from "men's decisions," and expected to serve, not lead. Adult women are often treated as spiritual minors under the authority of male leaders or husbands.
LGBTQ+ individuals: Framed as “confused,” “misguided,” or “tempted,” their identities are often dismissed as phases. They may be told to they can’t know or trust their own lived experience.
Divorced moms: Often treated as “spiritually compromised,” divorced mothers may face judgment masked as concern. They are frequently pressured to remarry quickly, policed more heavily for their parenting choices, and excluded from leadership or social circles, which ends up reinforcing the idea that they can’t be trusted to navigate life independently.
Single adults: Infantilized through cultural messaging that full adulthood only begins with heterosexual marriage and child-rearing. This erases autonomy and dignity from those who remain unmarried or choose different life paths.
Childless individuals: Often viewed as incomplete, selfish, or spiritually immature, especially in systems that idolize parenthood. Whether by choice or circumstance, people without children may be excluded from community decision-making, seen as less wise or nurturing, and expected to defer to parents regardless of age or life experience. Their value is frequently tied to reproductive status rather than personhood.
Racial and ethnic minorities: Often excluded from leadership roles and subject to paternalistic oversight, especially in predominantly white or Eurocentric religious spaces. Their lived experiences and contributions are frequently minimized, while conformity to white cultural norms is rewarded as “spiritual maturity.”
Non-Christian and non-white spiritual practices: Indigenous, ancestral, or culturally specific spiritual practices are often demonized or appropriated. High-demand groups may frame these traditions as dangerous, primitive, in need of saving, or even just the belief that the high-demand group is superior to people who follow these practices. This ends up erasing spiritual autonomy and invalidates differing cultural practices.
Individuals with disabilities or chronic illness: Often treated as fragile, incapable, or in need of constant oversight. Their autonomy may be undermined by spiritual narratives that frame suffering as a test, punishment, or reason to be “ministered to” rather than empowered. They are frequently excluded from leadership or viewed as passive recipients of care instead of active participants in their own lives and choices.
People in bodies that do not fit the system ideal: Frequently infantilized through assumptions that they lack discipline, self-control, or moral strength. High-demand groups may frame body size as a spiritual failing or “temple defilement,” often pressuring individuals into weight loss under the guise of obedience or worthiness. This reinforces the idea that they need guidance, correction, or control rather than autonomy, respect, and body sovereignty.
Teenagers: Often expected to follow strict behavioral codes while being told they are not mature enough to make meaningful decisions. They are taught to obey rather than explore, and their natural/developmental push for independence is often labeled as rebellion or sin, which ends up stunting emotional development.
Young adults: Many 20-somethings are still treated like spiritual adolescents. Decisions around college, careers, relationships, sexuality, identity expression, or even therapy are expected to be run past church leadership or parental figures, reinforcing dependency and undermining the transition into adulthood.
The Psychological Toll
When you are treated like a child, your nervous system learns to act like one. You may:
Struggle with decision-making
Fear getting things "wrong"
Seek external validation before trusting your gut
Experience shame when asserting independence
Internalize the belief that you are incapable of functioning on your own
Suppress your own wants/ desires
Assume your feelings are “childish,” and therefore, invalid
This can become especially intense after leaving the group. Many survivors describe feeling like they are starting adulthood from scratch, even in their 30s, 40s, or later.
Reclaiming Your Autonomy
Make small, daily decisions without asking for permission: Even choosing what to eat, wear, or watch without seeking approval helps rebuild internal confidence and trust in your own preferences.
Challenge automatic “should” thoughts: Notice when your inner voice says you should do something. Pause and ask: Do I want this? Do I agree with it? This helps disrupt internalized rules from high-demand environments.
Experiment with boundaries: Say “no” to something low-stakes, or express a preference in a group setting. Practicing boundaries in real life helps develop a sense of safety and agency in relationships.
Create a values-based life map: Identify 3–5 personal values that you choose (not what was chosen for you). Use these as a compass for decision-making and goal-setting.
Explore your identity through creativity or journaling: Write, draw, dress, or speak in ways that feel like you, rather than what was expected of you. Let curiosity replace judgment in the process of rediscovering who you are.
Connect with peers outside high-control environments: Whether online or in person, finding others who value autonomy can provide validation, inspiration, and real-time practice for being your full self.
Therapy with a trauma-informed provider: Work with a therapist who understands religious trauma and can help you rebuild self-trust, decision-making skills, and body autonomy without judgment or over-pathologizing.
In trauma-informed therapy, we do not tell you who to be, rather we help you discover who you are, without coercion.
If you have experienced infantilization in a high-demand religion or cultic system, you are not “behind” in life. You have simply never been given permission to grow up on your own terms.
Reach out to start therapy here or to learn more.
Disclaimer:
⚠️ The content on this blog is intended for informational and educational purposes ONLY and should NOT be considered a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading these posts does not establish a therapeutic relationship.
If you are currently in crisis, experiencing thoughts of harming yourself or others, or are in need of immediate support, please call 911 or contact a crisis line such as the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 (U.S.) or access your local emergency services.
These blog posts are written to explore topics like trauma, religious deconstruction, cults, identity development, and mental wellness in a thoughtful and compassionate way. They may (or may not) resonate deeply, especially for those healing from complex trauma, but they are NOT meant to replace individualized therapy or medical care.
