How Relationships Change After Leaving a High-Demand Religion or Cult
Leaving a high-demand religion or cult is one of the most courageous decisions a person can make. Leaving involves questioning deeply ingrained beliefs, stepping into uncertainty, and reclaiming your sense of self. But one of the most painful and complex parts of this journey is how it impacts your relationships. When you walk away from a community that has shaped so much of your life, your relationships often shift, sometimes drastically.
Friendships
Many people raised in high-demand groups are taught that friends outside the faith are "worldly," "unsafe," or "misguided." As a result, your social circle may have been almost entirely within the group. When you leave, friends who stay behind might see your departure as a betrayal or threat. Some have experienced:
Loss of close friendships: Friends that have cut ties to "protect their faith," or you feel you can no longer be fully authentic with them.
Loneliness and grief: The sense of community you once had may suddenly disappear, leaving a void from those missing relationships.
Family Relationships
Parents
Parents often feel a deep sense of fear, shame, or responsibility when a child leaves the faith. Depending on the family dynamic and how rigidly your parents adhere to the group's teachings, some have faced:
Emotional distancing or cut-offs: Some parents may reduce or sever contact. You may even feel the need to set firm boundaries with parents who disrespect your choices,
Attempts to "bring you back": You may encounter repeated efforts to "save" you, creating tension and conflict.
Conditional love: You might feel your worth is tied to compliance rather than who you truly are.
Siblings
Relationships with siblings can vary widely. Some siblings may also question or leave, creating solidarity. Others may double down on their beliefs and feel betrayed or hurt. Some have experienced:
Shared growth: Finding a surprising ally if a sibling is also deconstructing.
New boundaries: Learning to navigate conversations and protect your emotional wellbeing.
Grief over lost closeness: Mourning changes if you can no longer share certain parts of your life.
Children
If you have children, leaving can bring up deep questions about parenting choices, family values, and connection, and this can look different depending on their ages.
Young children: You might find yourself relearning parenting approaches, moving away from rigid or fear-based methods you were taught. You may also focus on protecting your children from harmful teachings or unsolicited religious pressure from extended family. Many parents begin creating new traditions and family cultures grounded in curiosity, compassion, and freedom of choice.
Adult children who remain in the church or group: When your children are grown and choose to stay in the faith you left, the dynamic can become uniquely painful and complex. You might experience:
Grief and loss: Mourning the loss of a shared worldview and possibly a sense of closeness.
Role reversal tension: Adult children may feel they need to "save" you or may see your departure as a betrayal or moral failure.
Changed family roles: You may find your authority or influence in their lives diminished, and conversations can become strained or guarded.
Boundaries and respect: Navigating how to maintain connection while respecting their choices, and hoping they will also respect yours.
Fear for their wellbeing: You might worry about the psychological, social, or spiritual impact on them if they stay in a high-control environment.
Ultimately, working through these shifts often involves grief work, deepening self-compassion, and learning to hold space for differences, all while continuing to protect your own emotional health and integrity.
Spouse or Partner
Perhaps the most complex shift occurs in romantic partnerships. Leaving a high-demand religion can lead to profound changes in the dynamic:
Faith as a foundation: If the relationship was built around shared faith, leaving might feel like losing common ground.
Different paces of change: One partner may leave while the other remains deeply committed, leading to conflict or emotional distance.
Growth or rupture: Some couples find ways to renegotiate their connection, while others discover that the differences are too great to sustain the relationship.
For those in supportive partnerships, leaving can also open doors to deeper intimacy, vulnerability, and authentic connection once no longer constrained by rigid roles and expectations.
Rebuilding Connection
Navigating these relational shifts is never easy. It involves grief, anger, confusion, and deep soul-searching. But it can also bring unexpected opportunities to form relationships that are more authentic and nourishing.
Some strategies that can help include:
Therapy and support groups: Finding spaces where your experiences are validated and understood.
Setting clear boundaries: Protecting your mental and emotional health, especially with family members who don't respect your choices.
Cultivating chosen family: Surrounding yourself with people who honor and support your journey.
If you are in the midst of this process, remember: your worth is not tied to your ability to maintain old relationships at any cost. You deserve connections built on mutual respect, trust, and authenticity. While loss is an inevitable part of leaving, the space it creates can become fertile ground for deep, meaningful new connections with others and with yourself.
Interested in working through these relationship shifts? I specialize in helping individuals navigate the emotional and relational impact of leaving high-demand religions and cults.
