Body Grief: Allowing Yourself to Mourn the Body You Wish You Had

What Is Body Grief?

Body grief is the emotional process of mourning the loss of the body you imagined you would have, the body you want to have, or the body you once had. It an ache that arises when you realize diet culture, medical systems, societal standards, or even high-demand group expectations sold you a story about what your body must be, and your actual lived body doesn’t match that story.

For many survivors of religious trauma or oppressive systems, body grief can run deep. If you were taught that your body was a “temple,” that it had to meet purity standards, or that health equaled thinness, you may carry heavy feelings of failure, shame, or betrayal when your body changes. Grief emerges as you confront the gap between expectation and reality.

Common Times When Body Grief Shows Up

Body grief is a universal experience, though it looks different for each person. It often surfaces during major life changes or when our bodies don’t align with what we were told they “should” be. Some common times when body grief may arise include:

• Aging
  Wrinkles, gray hair, shifts in energy, and changing physical ability can trigger grief. This is especially in a cultures that idolize youth and equates aging with decline in worth.

• Menopause and Perimenopause
  Hormonal changes can bring hot flashes, sleep difficulties, mood shifts, and changes in weight or sexual function. Many grieve the body they had before these changes, especially in cultures that stigmatize aging women or frame menopause as “the end” rather than a natural transition.

• Gaining Weight
  Whether due to natural body changes, recovery from an eating disorder, trauma, or simply life, weight gain often collides with fatphobia and cultural ideals, making body grief especially heavy.

• Existing in a Larger Body / Not Attaining the “Ideal” Body Type
  Many people live with the ongoing grief of realizing that no matter how much effort, dieting, or discipline they apply, their body will not match the thin, whitewashed, able-bodied “ideal” promoted by culture, religion, or family systems. This grief can sit alongside the daily exhaustion of navigating bias, stigma, and body-based discrimination.

• Pregnancy and Postpartum
  Bodies transform rapidly through pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum recovery. This can often lead to grief in realizing your body may never look or function the way it did before. And while that is normal, it doesn’t take away from the loss of your pre-pregnancy body.

• Infertility
  For those who want to conceive but struggle with infertility, body grief can feel especially raw. There may be grief around feeling like your body has “failed” you, or deep sorrow in recognizing the limits of what your body can do, especially when paired with societal or religious pressures.

• Chronic Illness, Chronic Pain, and Disability
  When illness or disability alters mobility, stamina, or comfort, grief can emerge around lost independence, missed opportunities, or simply the exhaustion of living in a body that requires more care and adaptation.

• Trauma and Sexual Abuse
  Survivors often grieve the sense of safety, autonomy, or innocence they feel was taken from them. Body grief in this context may show up as disconnection, shame, or feeling like your body is no longer your own.

• Unexpected Life Transitions
  Surgeries, accidents, hormonal changes, or sudden health diagnoses can leave people grieving what their body could once do and how quickly it adapted to change.

These moments are tender reminders that our bodies are living, changing, and vulnerable. Naming these times can help normalize the grief process and give language to something that is often minimized or silenced.

How Body Grief Shows Up

Body grief is not always loud or obvious. It can be subtle, weaving its way into everyday life:

• Longing for an old body: Missing how you looked or functioned before illness, chronic pain, aging, trauma, pregnancy, or weight changes.

• Fantasizing about an imagined body: Wishing for the body you were promised if you just prayed harder, dieted more strictly, healed more quickly, or “manifested” wellness.

• Shame during transitions: Struggling with clothes that no longer fit, changes in physical ability, or looking different than peers.

• Avoidance: Refusing photos, not attending social events, skipping doctor appointments, or disconnecting from mirrors and reflections.

• Anger or betrayal: Feeling like your body “let you down,” believing you did something wrong to deserve this body, or resenting ongoing pain and health challenges.

This grief is not just about appearance. Body grief is also about identity, belonging, and the painful recognition that the world treats bodies differently depending on size, ability, race, gender, and health status. It is about body changes, losing previous abilities, and a physical manifestation that time keeps moving.

Barriers to Grieving Your Body

Grieving our bodies is hard work, and many cultural messages block us from allowing that grief. Some common barriers include:

• Body positivity pressure
  While the “body positivity” movement has done a lot of good work, in some ways it can backfire when “positivity” is a requirement. The “just love your body!” messaging can feel dismissive when you are hurting. Skipping straight to positivity bypasses the very real pain of not being accepted in your current body. It is unrealistic to expect yourself to always feel positive about your body; especially in societies and communities that focus so much on appearance.

• Weight stigma and fatphobia
  Many people are told that grief about their body is not legitimate, because they could “just lose weight” or “try harder.” This invalidates body grief and keeps people stuck in cycles of shame. Fatphobia itself becomes a barrier. When the world devalues larger bodies, grieving your own can feel dangerous or self-indulgent.

• Toxic productivity
  High-demand groups and Western culture often preach discipline and control over our bodies. This can lead people to completely bypass grief and continue to push for unrealistic or even unhealthy body change.

• Spiritual bypassing
  Messages like “your body is temporary” or “your worth is only spiritual” can invalidate the very real emotional work of mourning your physical self.

• Medical and diet culture
  When doctors, wellness influencers, or even family equate thinness with health or morality, grief is often pathologized instead of honored.

Letting Yourself Grieve

Allowing space for body grief is not giving up; being honest with yourself about your lived experience and feelings is. Here are some ways to begin:

1. Name the grief
   Simply acknowledging, “I am grieving the body I thought I would have” is powerful. Naming what is happening reduces shame and invites compassion.

2. Make space for feelings
   Grief can look like sadness, anger, numbness, or even relief. Journaling, talking with a trusted therapist, or joining a body-liberation support group can help you feel and move through these emotions.

3. Release the “shoulds”
   Write down messages you have been taught about what your body should look like (from religion, family, or culture). Ask yourself: Whose voice is this? Does it actually align with my values?

4. Address toxic positivity
   Sometimes messages like “just love your body” or “every body is beautiful” can block you from acknowledging pain. While these well-meaning affirmations may have a time and place, they can skip over the grief process. Giving yourself permission to feel sadness, anger, or disappointment is not “negative,” it is honest, and it is a necessary step toward healing. You cannot force yourself to bypass grief with “positive affirmations.”

5. Honor your present body
   Grieving does not mean you hate your body. Acknowledging loss while making space to care for the body you live in now is the goal. This may look like wearing clothes that truly fit, seeking joyful movement, practicing gentle self-touch, or building rest into your routine if you live with chronic pain or illness.

6. Seek connection
   Body grief is not meant to be carried alone. Community spaces rooted in body liberation, fat acceptance, disability justice, or trauma recovery can help normalize your grief.

Body grief is the quiet mourning of what never was, what was lost, and what may never be. But grief also clears space: space for compassion, for new relationships with your body, and for rejecting harmful systems that told you your worth depended on your appearance.

You don’t need to rush into body positivity. Grieving your body is a form of truth-telling, and truth is always a step toward freedom.

Reach out to start therapy or to learn more.

Resources

• Sonya Renee Taylor – The Body Is Not an Apology

• Hilary Kinavey & Dana Sturtevant – Reclaiming Body Trust

• Virgie Tovar – You Have the Right to Remain Fat

• Podcast: Maintenance Phase (debunking diet culture myths)

• National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance (NAAFA)

Disclaimer:

⚠️ The content on this blog is intended for informational and educational purposes ONLY and should NOT be considered a substitute for personal professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading these posts does not establish a therapeutic relationship.

If you are currently in crisis, experiencing thoughts of harming yourself or others, or are in need of immediate support, please call 911 or contact a crisis line such as the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 (U.S.) or access your local emergency services.

These blog posts are written to explore topics like trauma, religious deconstruction, cults, identity development, and mental wellness in a thoughtful and compassionate way. They may (or may not) resonate deeply, especially for those healing from complex trauma, but they are NOT meant to replace individualized therapy or medical care.